antilamentation:

Dear Tony,

Thank you for showing me how to use the internet. You’ve been very helpful in getting me accustomed to modern culture. There is one thing that I feel strains our relationship however. Precisely, your inability to see me as a sexual object who would like to strip you out of your armor and fuck you on every available surface, including, but not limited to; Fury’s desk, Coulson’s desk, Bruce’s desk, every car you own, Asgard and any possible dimensions we might be thrown into.

To help accomplish this goal, and to assuage your guilt at “corrupting” an American icon, here is a list of people I have slept with. Edited for family members (sorry your dad was a fox).

1. Bucky (how could you not have guessed that?)

2. Peggy

3-18ish. Not more than 20 but no less than 10 fellow soldiers (it was wartime okay)

19. One of your dad’s research assistants (I like them smart)

20-25. Aforementioned exclusion

26. A French lady

27. The French lady’s friend

28. The French lady’s gentleman friend

29. Family exclusion again.

30-38. Star Spangled Singers

39. Bucky

40. Peggy

41-???. Bucky + Peggy

Please consider my request and get back to me ASAP.

Sincerely,

Steve Rogers

Captain America

The First Avenger

***

Dear Steve,

I think you hit Send All.

Sincerely,

Bruce (please don’t do it on my desk)

***

Steve,

Please remember to put a tie, sock or other identifying mark when you and Tony are engaging in private activities.

Natasha (unless you’re into voyeurism in which case, hit Clint up)

***

Natasha! That was told in the privacy of a drunken stupor.  Cap - GET IT! But legit look me up if you’re aiming for triple digits.

Clint

***

I hate every single one of you.

Coulson

***

Captain of the Americas,

Your list is impressive but have you ever slept with a G-d? Loki

***

How the hell did Loki get on this email chain?

Clint

***

Fellow Avengers,

It is I, Thor, who is responsible. I regularly send my brother interesting cat videos and music mashups that he will find amusing. I thought the email could provide the same sort of bonding in judgement that the place of tumbling does. 

xoxo

Thor

Thor Odinson

***

xoxo?

Clint

***

Fellow Avengers,

Tony taught me that xoxo was the proper salutation for electronic communication. Does it not mean ‘death to your enemies’?

xoxo

Thor

Thor Odinson

***

Speaking of Tony, has anyone seen what his response was?

Natasha

***

I got a visual on both Iron Man and Captain America’s position. Let’s just say you going to need some strong disinfectant Bruce.

Clint

***

HULK :(((

I don’t approve of that aforementioned family exclusion business, but I still laughed.

(via laustrade)